The Heaven and Hell that is My Disease
by Saint Lucifer-The Damned
Summary: Yuki Eiri. Wealthy novelist, lover extrodinair, and... not who he says he is! Please read inside to grasp the heaven and hell of what has befallen our favorit stoic writer.
1. And So It Begins

_Disclaimer: As much as I love Gravi, sadly, I was not genius enough to create it. Maki-sensei did. But, many thanks to her, or else never would so many writers have come together like this. _

_Okay, I don't own any of the Gravi charries mentioned. I DO however own, Akiyama Sosha, she was my original creation a while back for an idea I had. I made her charrie completely different in this, but the name is mine thanks. Any other random Japanese names you spot, please consider them mine as well. I hope you enjoy this interesting fic which I have titled, for obvious reasons: _

_**The Heaven and Hell that is My Disease**_

_Please enjoy this very first chapter:_

_And so it Begins_

Yuki Eiri sat in a thinly padded chair in a fairly large room, with a sizable window, blinds half drawn, near him, hard grey carpet making a hollow 'thunk' with every blow from his heel. His hands, which were large, yet somehow, slender, delicate almost, were gripping the armrests of the chair with an intense ferocity. The novelist rolled his eyes back, lids fluttering slightly, and all movement ceased.

Akiyama Sosha, watched her patient intently. She knew his switching patterns by now, well technically, with every DID case it was the same. The patient would roll the eyes back, there would be a fluttering of the eyelids, the patient would freeze before performing a grounding motion, in Eiri's case it was cracking his knuckles. Sosha heard the cracking and looked up from the pad that she was doodling in at the moment. She saw the immediate change in character. How the blonde suddenly snapped back to reality, his posture was a bit tense, but a polite tense. Like that of a well raised sixteen year old boy.

He looked up at the doctor, eyes open as wide as possible without looking shocked, letting light filter through his eyes, making the golden orbs glow gently. He glanced at the doctor, gave a shy smile and averted his eyes towards his tightly laced hands in his lap.

"Ohayo, Eiri-kun."

Yuki had tumbled into the darkness of his mind, not pleased that the first person to be called on was the host. The young Uesugi Eiri himself.

The boy tensed up before recognizing his surroundings. It was the doctor's office. He liked her. Akiyama-san was really nice to him, but never in that fake way. She never indulged him, at least not to his knowledge, and he liked that about her. Openly honest without being nastily blunt. He liked to make her smile, it was kinda like he remember his mom's, but, he was getting off track. He was here to get help. Eiri heard her say his name, he looked up and gave a small smile before averting his eyes.

"Konichiwa, Akiyama-san," his soft voice greeted.

He heard the doctor settle into her large leather chair that was next to the desk. She was sitting, in her usual fashion, he long legs tucked under her to one side, yellow notepad balanced precariously on the legs, a long, red skirt made from a light material hanging down, jiggling with every move as she twitched.

"How are you today?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"Eh, same shit, different day."

Eiri giggled and looked up at his doctor, she smiled back, tucking a long, loose strand of black hair behind her ear. The rest of her long hair was thrown up in a messy bun, writing utensils sticking out of the dark tangled ball in all directions. She was amazed, she was always amazed. Sosha could recite hours and hours of notes on this guy, but she was still amazed when she saw him in person. It was just the little things that changed, but they made a world of difference.

His eyes were full of emotion, child-like wonder, the world. Yes, his eyes right now held the world within them, like every child. This twenty-three year old man, was now just a simple sixteen year old boy. His voice, though still deep, was soft. Definitely younger. The way he would move suggested a child as well. It was all just so… fascinating.

"Now, Eiri-kun, I need to ask you a serious question," she said, breaking the mood.

Eiri's face became pensive, which just reminded Sosha how much younger his face had looked. He was alert and watching her intently before slowly nodding his head.

"You do understand that while you are the original Uesugi Eiri, the host, that there are other… people, alters, in you as well? Do you understand what DID is?" Sosha asked, her green eyes narrowed as she watched Eiri nod.

She liked bouncy people, she expected kids to naturally be that way. Uesugi Eiri was a shock to her when she had finally unburied the poor kid from under the layers of alters. He was really trying to hide himself.

His voice broke through her thoughts:

"I understand the other people, er… alters…but, what does DID mean?"

She rattled it off. "DID: Dissociative Identity Disorder. In layman's terms: Multiple Personality Disorder."

The boy nodded, looking out the window towards his left. She knew he was thinking, she comprehended that it must be a struggle to form the tiniest thought. His alters must making it a living hell for him. He'd let them willingly take him over, wanting to forget, but now it was hard for him to reestablish any dominance. From what she had learned, most of the alters treated the host, Eiri, like shit. She at least wanted him at a semi-respectable level.

"I know that. Honestly, I understand it pretty well, but-" he paused, his soft voice sounding like there was a smirk in it, although his face was devoid of emotion. Those golden eyes glanced at her from the side.

"Do you?"

Sosha was taken aback.

_Do you?_

Of course she understood it! It was her specialty in psychology. Did she understand it!... But, her composure stayed and she smiled warmly at the man/child.

"How do you mean?"

"The noise," he whispered hoarsely, his gaze still locked with the window.

"What noise Eiri-kun?"

"All of them. All of the me's. I can never think. They're bickering as we speak. I have no control, and I never have silence. Never. On top of the alters, I hear the voices in my memories… it's awful. It's my own personal hell in my head. So, I ask you again: Do you understand?"

The boy's gaze had made it's way back to the doctor, who leaned back, scribbling in the teetering pad on her legs absentmindedly.

"Apparently not, Eiri-kun."

She didn't think of the repercussions of letting Eiri know that she was stumped. As a psychologist (right now a child psychologist), it was her job to guide him. To be, almost, like the parental figure he never had.

"What can you tell me about your trip to New York with Seguchi-san?" she asked pleasantly. She knew this was where it all started.

Eiri heard her ask about New York, and terror filled out his features, spreading slowly like cold water sinking into cloth. He felt sick, his head was spinning and he could hear them all laughing… memories and alters. He gave her a begging look.

"Talk, or hypnosis."

Dear lord, what wonderful choices.

_Okay, psychology has always interested me, so I really wanted to do this fic for a while. Ever since they hinted that Yuki had multiple personalities. Now, in another book I read, this was called DID, but I'm not exactly sure. I can't really research it. It's either write and have panic attacks at school, or research and have panic attacks at school. So with those options, I chose to write. Now, let me explain some terms:_

_Host: The person who is the owner of the body. Not an alter controlling the body._

_Alter(s): The many splits a mind can make. These are different personalities. They usually go by their own names. Alters usually come about when a psychologically damaging moment arises in the life of a young child. (i.e. sexual abused, beaten, ect) The splitting and forming of new personalities (alter egos) helps one deal with the pain by losing control to another._

_Controller: This is the alter who is in charge most of the time. Usually refers to the others as 'part of a system'. He/she runs the system, thus having the most freewill out of the alters, even more so than the host._

_No matter what sex the patient is, they can create alters of both genders. Usually, males have a majority of male alters and little to no female ones. Vise versa for females._

_Hypnosis: A popular way to treat DID. It's been said that one can almost meld the personalities back into one person slowly through this process. Although, many claims have been thrown against it, saying that while in hypnosis, the doctor can place false memories into a patient. It's very hard to figure out what to say to a person under hypnosis. You have to suggest vaguely, rather than ask or demand. Precautions must be taken._

_Same Shit Different Day: For any of you readers out there, I would hope some of you would recognize this phrase from a Stephen King novel. Dreamcatcher. I stole it, sorry Mr. King! I love your work and worship the ground on which you tread! bows _

_Eh-heh… anyway_

_Oh yeah, I dunno what I'm going to be doing so far as romantic situations go. I hadn't thought that out. I know everyone assumes things between Eiri and Tohma, but I dunno if I want to do that… everyone does it. I don't know what happening with a YukixShu relationship either. Um… yeah, so I really have nothing planned out. Welp! Read, review, be merry! I'm always open to requests and suggestions. As well as compliments._

_Saint Lucifer_

_PS: I SAW ALL THE GRAVI EPISODES! fangirl squeal Hey, does anyone know the names of any of the people who do the music on it. And maybe where I can get the music? I actually liked it a lot better than I thought I would. (rap, punk, billy joel fan… don't ask, don't poke fun at. Neh!)_

_Also, any confusion, please don't hesitate to ask me anything. I'll try to answer to the best of my abilities. _


	2. The New Yorker

_Disclaimer: I don't own it... Just Akiyama Sosha. Touch her and you will be sorry._

_Okay, so i've finally gotten the second chapter out. It was 15 pages long and finished at 7:13pm. It should've been done last night, but my computer just shut off. Randomly... i was soo pissed! And before that, my pc fried itself. All my documents were gone. I couldn't retrieve them or anything. Also, things are going on at school which are making me very, very mad. But this is not the point! Please enjoy the next enstallment of _The Heaven and Hell that is My Disease

_**The New Yorker**_

Given the choices, he'd rather just tell then go through all the bullshit of hypnosis. Eiri sighed deeply, knowing full well that he should be considering calling Sosha a bitch and walking out, but he trusted her.

"Eiri-kun? I'm growing a bit impatient," a sharp voice cut through his thoughts.

"Yeah, well, what does it matter, you're still getting paid."

He immediately regretted the biting remark. He looked at Sosha, who just gave him a hard smile.

"Yes, I am. Whether you talk or not, I do get paid," she readjusted herself, legs now crossed, slender hands neatly folded atop the yellow pad in her lap. "But the fact that I'm trying to get you to talk, should prove that I'm not here for your money."

Damnit… he knew she was right.

Another deep sigh erupted from the man/child before he started his tale.

"It was winter, and Tohma-san had to postpone the wedding to Mikarin again. This time it was because he had something important to do. Not a concert, Nittle Grasper was taking a little hiatus at the time. He was going to New York, apparently he wanted to start his own record company, and he wanted a few connections.

Unfortunately for my sister, all this planning had come around the time that they were to be wed. But she gave in, knowing how it would all pay off for her future life.

Now, Tohma-san was okay, he wasn't weird or anything… he just always seemed…interested in me. I'm not sure why, and damned if I was going to ask him. Maybe it was because we both had blonde hair…

Well, he had heard of my recent 'goings on' at school. Meaning the bullying and the fights. That took up so much of my time, that I had given up on school entirely, and skipped whenever I could. This didn't bode well with tou-san. So, seeing as I needed improvement with my English anyway, he offered me the chance to go to New York with him. I jumped at the chance.

There was one problem though: Tou-san and Mikarin.

He stopped by one night, it was snowing lightly, just beginning at dusk, and arrived in time for dinner. Everyone seemed all too happy but to have the famous in-law stay for dinner.

We ate in relative silence, some chatter here and there, the clicking of the dishes more audible than anything really. It seemed like we all knew he had stopped by for a reason. The dinner had finally come to an end, and everyone was sipping tea quietly. Suddenly, he made his announcement.

"As you know, the marriage is being postponed, due to my new idea. And I was thinking, as a way of making it up to everyone, I was wondering if it would be alright with you, Uesugi-san, if I took Eiri-kun along with me to New York?"

His quiet voice seemed to resonate in the still room. No one was moving except for me. I was bored, didn't really care either way, stay here, skip school, go there, skip school. I sipped- no, more like slurped my tea. It seemed to snap them out of it.

"Well… actually, nothing could be more perfect!" Tou-san had said, not at all trying to hide the gratitude for this sudden liberation of a burdensome son.

He clapped his son-in-law on the shoulder, giving his full consent.

Tohma-san left real quick after that, giving a hurried thank you and telling me to be ready bright an early the next day.

I packed up my things, loading up on the essentials: Pens, pencils, notebooks used and new, sharpener, erasers, the works. I think I almost forgot my underwear.

I guess me an Tohma-san had different terms as to what 'bright and early' meant. Although, I was never much of a morning person. Or an afternoon person for that matter.

At four a.m., it seemed like everyone was up and ready but me. Mikarin had to push me of the bed to get me up. I cursed her out of my room, it was a rare thing, me raising my voice. I think I woke up Tats-chan. Yeah, I remember wailing and Mikarin singing a soft song.

I dressed warmly, it was frigid outside at this time. I dragged my rolling bag behind me, only my sleepy eyes visible between a tightly wound scarf and matching hat. Mikarin's orders. I was a bit surprised seeing Tohma-san in his usual attire, only a light winter coat and gloves on. His eyes were laughing at me as I went up to him. Apparently, New York was in summer time. Didn't matter, I never wore shorts anyway.

We said solemn good-byes. Not much emotion in my house, although I gave Tats-chan an extra squeeze before I left. I've just always had this feeling of protection towards him.

We were driven in a taxi to the airport, Tohma-san donning sunglasses before we stepped out. Didn't want to be mauled by fans, he had told me with a little wink.

It was surprisingly packed at this hour, people coming and going, families sharing hugs and tears. I just wanted to sleep.

Went through security and finally made it onto the plane, first-class as I knew Tohma-san would do. The wide leather seats felt like heaven. I tried to drift off to sleep as Tohma-san put my carryon bag in the overhead compartment. I didn't even take off my thick layers of clothing, I was too comfortable.

Although, suddenly, I couldn't sleep. The buzz of excitement had decided to spark up. Now I began to remove the layers of clothing and twitch nervously in my own nest of clothing. The plane was taxiing when I suddenly needed to write. The urge came hard and fast, I felt lightheaded and needed paper and a writing utensil in front of me right that second.

I nudged Tohma-san and told him I needed my bag. He looked at me with amused eyes and told me to wait until the plane had taken off. That I should just try and sleep.

"Tohma-san, if you needed your keyboard, you'd get it wouldn't you?" I had asked him. He pondered for a moment, already knowing I was right.

"I suppose… but there's no way you can wait a bit?" he asked me, and I wondered what was going on. He usually spoiled me. But I was getting angry and the urge was only getting worse.

"Tohma-san… I _need_ to write. Right. Now." I ground out through my clenched jaw.

"Alright, I just wanted it to be a surprise," he grumbled good-naturedly. He reached under his seat and pulled out a sleek, brand-new laptop, that had a neat little bow on it. I was in shock.

No one had ever taken an interest in my writing. No one even noticed the scattered papers and notebooks everywhere. I was grateful beyond words.

"Wireless internet access and everything," he informed me, quite pleased with himself.

I took it from him and opened it up, pushing the power button, whirring it into life. I think it may have been the most wonderful moment of my life.

I spent the rest of the plane ride exploring every inch of my gift, typing, playing online, chatting, more typing, reading a few reviews on some books I had heard were good.

Hours later we landed. I didn't realize it until Tohma-san closed the laptop on me. We got off and collected our things, I was trying to shove all the winter layers I had worn into my bag. It wasn't hot, so much as it was muggy. That still, damp, sweat-like, heat. Tohma-san was carrying my computer in the satchel that had come with it. He knew that I'd've wanted to use it right away, so he had given it to me out of the carrying case.

It was… twilight, I guess you could call it. Not yet dawn, but no longer night. I complained at first, when Tohma-san had taken my computer into his possession, but he reminded me that I had forgotten to eat on the ride over.

"Alright, food then," I had growled out, not at all pleased he was right.

We took another taxi to the new apartment, dropping off our bags, and, sadly, my laptop.

Thoma-san, to celebrate our 'coming to America', wanted to eat somewhere special. I personally didn't care, my stomach squelched loudly to prove it.

I did poke around the new apartment quickly after I changed. I wandered around a bit, pulling my light blue polo over my head. It was nice, actually. Two bedrooms, master had an adjoining bath, another hallway bathroom, living room, full kitchen and a study. All fully furnished.

Well, I met an impatient Tohma-san at the door, and we made our way downstairs and out onto the porch area, I guess. It was just three small steps off of a concrete landing. I was a bit surprised when I saw a limo pull up. Tohma-san had finally decided to live up to his namesake, it seemed.

I was wondering when the Seguchi in him would come out. So we got in and drove around. I thought it was aimless at first, and I was getting a bit agitated. I was hungry and it was his idea to eat. But we did pull up to a pretty fancy restaurant. Well, it was about four in the morning, so I was wondering how in the hell we were expecting to get in.

Sure enough, he pulled another Seguichi.

The lights came on as soon as we pulled up. Someone held open the limo door, and another was waiting to hold open the door to the restaurant. We walked in to a beautiful, dimly lit dinning room. The atmosphere was dark, but dignified, and had a bit of a romantic lilt to it. The dark royal colors of the carpeting were laden with intricate golden swirls, and the tables were all made of a glossy wood. There was only one thing off: It was completely deserted.

I looked up at Tohma-san, well, I didn't have to look up too much, and gave him a questioning look.

"I specifically asked to have this place open for when we arrived. I thought it would be a nice treat," he told me, a haughty air about. It was going to be a long trip.

A waiter came up and greeted us with a slight bow.

"Mr. Seguchi I presume," he said in English with a thick New York accent.

Tohma-san nodded and introduced me. Now, I could understand English just fine, I just couldn't speak it very well. Little did I know how that was all going to change.

We ate in relative comfort. The place was great, the food was delicious, and, surprisingly, we were able to make conversation without any awkwardness. I was, you could say, happy. But it was more of a content feeling, than anything else.

Back at the apartment, now being around six in the morning, we both tried to stay up by watching TV and working around the place. We wanted to keep our body clocks in order.

We failed miserably.

We both woke up sometime in the late afternoon, we had passed out on the couch. I was a bit shocked to see the 'compromising' position in which I had woken up to. Tohma-san was on top of me, his arms wrapped around my waist, head resting on that borderline between my stomach and… lower regions. I tried to slip out from under him, but he reflexively squeezed tighter and we both wound up toppling over the couch. It was funny, and I was secretly glad we were both still clothed. He was always a bit touchy-feely with me.

We made breakfast, well, I made breakfast. I'm a better cook than Tohma-san. I began to unpack my things in my room, and later settled in on the couch to start writing on my computer. But that ended shortly as Tohma-san told me that I had to get enrolled into a school for the upcoming year. I wasn't too surprised, no way I was going to get away from hell it seemed, but it was summer. I told him I wasn't going to be doing any work to help my progress here. No way was I going to make it easy for him.

He just gave me that odd 'your so young' smile, and told me that he'd already set up a tutor for me. I wasn't livid, per se, just defeated. A Seguchi plans for everything after all.

We met up with my tutor a bit later, in central park. I stunned when I saw him. He was sitting under a large tree, dappling his form in shadows and light. In his hands, a book, his eyes hooded from my view as he read intently. He was dressed in khakis, brown shoes and a light colored polo. His chestnut brown hair looked silken to the touch even from where I stood.

Tohma-san dared to go over to this… living art that was my tutor. He ripped him from the intent world in which he had read himself into. I saw the young man look up at Tohma-san and smiled. His smile was something amazing and… melancholy at once. He brought him over to where I stood. I don't think I could've walked if I tried.

"Eiri-kun, this is Kitazawa Yuki," Tohma-san told me in Japanese. His name… that meant that he was of Japanese heritage too.

"Konbonwa, Kitaza-sensei," I had greeted with a slight bow. He gave me that smile again. I may have melted.

"Please," he said in fluent Japanese. "Call me Yuki."

"Konbonwa, Yuki-sensei," I re-greeted with another bow. "That's as informal as I'll get sensei."

He nodded, apparently knowing of the proper way in which I had been raised. Monk duties were all about respect. I had been trained, not fully -yet- but I knew enough to know respect.

"He will be your English tutor. I have hired him to help you comprehend the English language, structure, writing, pronunciation and so forth," Tohma-san told me.

"It's not that I do not understand English. I just have a few problems with pronunciation," I said in English, my Japanese accent prominent, thickly coating over the crisp sound of the words.

"Your writing is also off. You seem to be making minor mistakes with tenses and structure, but he's here to fix all that," Tohma-san said with a cool smile as he clapped his hand on the young man's shoulder.

I had had girls before, even thought about guys. With my foreign looks, the girls literally swooned whenever I walked by. My 'bad-boy' look only helped. I wanted something different with Yuki-sensei though. I didn't know what it is was, I still don't to be honest. We all went out to lunch together and Yuki-sensei made small talk with me. He questioned me in literature, asking about my hobbies. I don't even know if I answered, Tohma-san might've done the talking for me. I don't think he knew what was going through my mind, maybe he thought I was still feeling defeated.

His eyes… they were brown. A deep, soulful brown. In a way, I loved how he looked at me, but I could still feel something off about it too. Tohma-san took me home; it hurt to part ways with Yuki-sensei, and told me that he'd be coming to the apartment everyday to tutor me. I didn't care; I wanted more of him in general.

That's exactly what I got.

Sosha was listening with rapt attention. All sessions were generally recorded, all her patients knew this. There was a hidden camera in the room. She kept it hidden so the patient wouldn't feel nervous having a black, glossy eye stare them down. She didn't take any notes for this longwinded story; he was starting from the very beginning and going all the way through. Her green eyes darkened as she fell into a bit of a trance while listening. His voice was hypnotically even, and it seemed even with spoken word he was a master at telling stories.

Her eyes darted reflexively towards the round, chrome clock on sitting on her desk. Good, a half hour left. She could only hope that he could finish within that. Once again Sosha turned her full attention back to Eiri.

Not noticing anything Sosha had done, he went on without a pause or hitch in the easy flow of his words.

"Right around noon the next day, true to Tohma-san's word, Yuki-sensei had shown up. He had another book in his hand and a list of books I needed. I didn't hesitate, I begged Tohma-san for spending money and to go out to a bookstore right away. He was shocked at my sudden enthusiasm, but didn't want to quell it. He asked Yuki-sensei if he minded taking me out to the selection of books. Sensei gave an easy laugh and that smile that made my heart clench. He said it would it be no problem at all, that there was a small book shop/café within walking distance. I had nearly dragged him out the door.

We made our way out of the large apartment, I was gushing over him like a school girl. But not by hanging all over him, but by hanging back quietly, watching him intently but bashfully. We entered the bookstore, and I almost stopped dead. It was perfect.

It had that worn yellowing pages smell, every shelf stocked with books new and old, all on shelf after shelf of a medium brown wood. There was a small corner of a checkout counter, leaving more room for books, and out in the back was a small outside seating area, kind of a little café. There was a small outside counter you could order small sweets and drinks from. It wasn't really a restaurant place. Just a place to read or chat. It was homier than anywhere back in Japan.

I wandered in and out between the dusty stacks, trying to collect all the books on the list. I saw a title that caught my eye as I brushed past a wall shelf. I backtracked slowly, trying to find it again. And there it was: a semi-large brown leather-bound hardcover with a gold embossed title. The swirling scripture was stunning, I remember the title: _Romeo and Juliet_ by William Shakespeare.

I started to read it, flipping and skipping pages, but I was caught up in the few lines where Romeo describes Juliet. It was poetry that made up a whole story. I was enthralled. I was only taken out of the book when Yuki-sensei came up from behind me, I just knew he was there. I turned and looked up at him, and smiled. He smiled back, and for some reason, I just wanted to hug him.

"You're not doing what we told Tohma-sama we'd do, Yumé wo miru hito," Sensei said in Japanese, and I didn't know if he was disappointed or not. But I was surprised at the nickname.

"What made you call me that?" I asked him, a little stunned.

He shrugged at me. "I don't know. I don't really know you, but it fits you perfectly. Like the name came attached with you."

I didn't know what I should've said at the time, so I blushed and fiddled with the old book in my hands. He gently took it from my grip, and I watched him make a quick glance through it. He closed it and smiled at me.

"Not on the list, but a good story to have under your belt," he told me. "C'mon, let's get the rest on the list and we'll bring back pizza for lunch."

I wander placidly behind him, stuck in my own little world. I guess the nickname was right. I was always somewhere else, whether it was in my words or books, even my mind, I was never here.

Dreamer.

He called me Dreamer on that day, and it stuck until we both left this world on that night.

Time passed and summer flew by. Yuki-sensei and I had grown close. To Tohma-san's dislike, closer than a teacher and student should've gotten. But he saw I was happy and turned the other cheek, although I saw the loathing in his teal eyes. That scathing face he hid under the mask of boyish charm and a small smile when ever he had to deal with Sensei. Summer was almost out, and by that time, I had my English down perfect, my writing was flawless, save a few spelling errors, and I could read aloud without a hitch. Tohma-san was glad with this, and was ready to send Yuki-sensei on his way.

I was hurt. I was hurt seeing the pleasure Tohma-san took in detaching me from Yuki-sensei. I didn't want him to leave me. I didn't want to start school yet. I wanted the summer to continue. We made the most of our few remaining days. I met him in the park, always finding him under that same tree, a new book each day. Or we'd go to his apartment and I would write, or we would watch TV, or just play house for a short time. Nothing physical ever happened between us… consensually. But I was hoping for that one day to come soon. After all, Tohma-san couldn't stop me from seeing him after school and things like that.

One day in the park, I remember specifically, I ran up to him. It was such a beautiful day out. I can barely remember one single cloudy day from my first time in New York. I took him by surprise and pulled his hand into my as I faced him. I beamed up at him, I asked him… I asked if we'd be together forever. But it's so long ago that I can only see his lips moving. I can't remember his answer. I remember the smile he gave me. It was a truly happy smile.

But that last night, his final day, we had spent every waking minute with each other. Tohma-san allowed it, as long as I came home for meals. Yuki-sensei and I went all over the city that day. We talked about school, what I could do, his family, everything. I went home for lunch, and he was waiting for me in the bookstore just like he said he would be. I went back home for dinner, knowing to go to his apartment next. He wanted to go back to his place for a bit. This had given me butterflies, it was our last full whole day together, maybe we were finally going to make something happen.

I rushed through my meal, to eager to see the man I had fallen so hard for. I ran out and all the way to his place. It was far, but I hadn't started smoking yet, so I could handle it. It was dark, I knew I could be in danger, but didn't care. I burst into his place, it was completely dark inside. I saw by a closed shaded window, lights glowing dimly through, Yuki-sensei. He stumbled, as he turned to me, a bottle dropping from his loosely closed hand. I called out softly to him, wondering what he was doing. I stepped closer, fearing the worst.

Suddenly he had me backed against a wall; I could smell the alcohol wafting off his skin.

"Y-Yuki-sensei…," I had stammered.

He kneeled before me; I could feel his breath stir against my groin.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" Sensei asked me. There was a heavy slur in his Japanese.

"Stop… Yuki-sensei, s-stop," I begged, holding back my tears as I tried to disappear into the wall.

He rose and looked me in the eyes, and then I saw what his intents were for the night.

For a brief moment I thought I was saved. The door busted open and I looked at the two shadowed figures in the darkened doorway. But then they waltz over and shoved Yuki-sensei out of the way.

"C'mon Yuki, move," the large one said as he pushed him.

"Yeah. What're you doing? We're giving you ten bucks," the scrawny guy said, and the large one made the transaction.

I saw them close in on me, and I looked with frightened eyes from the gun I saw stuffed in the big guys' pants to Sensei's eyes. He didn't look sorry at all. They began to pull at my pants and I lashed out. Hitting their clawing hands away. I lunged for the gun, and pulled it out with trembling hands. Everyone froze. They still seemed big, but now their uneasy smiles told me that I was in charge. Shaking, the gun making small clicks in my hands, a stepped forward. They didn't move their feet, but the leaned back, as far as they could without falling over.

"C'mon kid…," the big guy said and stepped forward.

I shot him.

I had pulled back the hammer, it made a deafening click, and my trembling fingers, both index fingers actually, squeezed the trigger. It resisted at first, but then it exploded in my hands. The guy was knocked back, and then the scrawny guy started for the door.

Another explosion, he went down too.

Yuki-sensei had sunk to his knees, and I saw the wide fear in his eyes. But beyond that, I saw that spark of something else. I recognized it and it explained everything. Finally, I realized why he had done this to me. I couldn't stand that drunken, slack jawed gawk anymore, not when I had seen the truth.

I took him out as well. Leaving him sprawled on the floor, identical pools of crimson, almost black blood seeping out from under the bodies. My eyes had now started a fire from that little spark I had seen in Sensei's eyes. I still can't believe it took me this long to see it.

Hate.

He hated me so much, and I hadn't the faintest clue until just before I killed him. But I had lost the man I thought I loved. I had forced him to leave this world by my own hands…

I remember… I remember kneeling by his head, and staring at him.

"Why, Yuki-sensei… if you hated me so much, why?" I had whispered to the corpse again and again!"

Sosha watched his hands clench at each other. They continued to tighten as he went on. She was afraid of hearing a bone snap.

"I kissed him them. I gave him my first kiss, along with whatever dreams I had. I knew the real world now, and there was no place in it for the likes of me.

I tried to head for the door, but stumbled along the way, the gun clattering into a corner. I feel to my knees again and sobbed. I cried and screamed my throat hoarse. I went on babbling, what-I don't know. Sometime later, much later, as I could barely see my hand in front of my face, Tohma-san barged in. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see his tiny frame tremble. He slowly made his way to my and dropped down to my side.

Still screaming, still crying, he pulled me into his chest. I paused, then latched myself onto him, continuing once again.

Along with those three men, Yumé wo miru hito died with them.

Dreamers could never last long in this world."

When his voice stopped, Sosha was shocked. There was not a tear to be seen, although his hands, which were fisted together, looked about to snap. She was about to say something, when suddenly, the child finally snapped.

"Oh god, what have I done? Yuki-sensei, what have I done!" he cried out, his voice laced with hardened pain.

He curled up into a ball in the chair, his large frame looking about ready to fall out of the chair. He sobbed into his knees, although she imagined it was nothing like the tortured cries he must have wrenched from himself on that night.

Eiri felt sick. His stomach felt full of the thick, black substance he knew as guilt. It roll in his stomach, threaten to spill out, but it did not. The nausea was laced within the black, he could see it in his minds' eye, feel inside him. The green, watery liquid sloshing on top of that ever engulfing guilt. He wanted to die.

_And we are through!_

_Okay, i know it was long, but i hope you enjoyed it. Yes i know, this was a filler chapter, but i had to make it known, the origin of these promblems in Eiri. As you can see, i took the liberty of using my artistic licsens all over this! YAY! I hope you don't mind._

_I don't know what the next chapter will bring, so i hope you don't mind yet another long wait. I'm thinking the next chapter will devulge some sort of relationship, but i dunno. I don't know what's going to happen with it either. i do have some sort of idea... i just may roll with it._

_Anyway, i hope you'll stick around for the next chapter, and i also hope, upon your departure, that you will leave me with some helpful, idea inducing reviews!_

_Hi-chan_


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